Why..

Why does nothing ever seem to work out for me? People seem so content with their everyday lives, so oblivious to the luck that they have. Why is it me that has to envy them? Why can’t, just for once, people envy me?
I’m so utterly sick of simply wanting, and never getting, dreaming, but never living. I just wish I could have what other people take so for granted. What’s overlooked by so many, but desired by so many more.
For once, I want to be appreciated, accepted.
But instead, I’m not.
At what point will we switch places? If at all..

Why don’t things just fall into place? Why doesn’t it work out for me? Why am I so different? Will I ever be good enough?
I’m sick of the endless questions and in turn, the non-existent answers..
I just want… things to work out… :’(

What defines us?

What defines us? What sets us aside from others?
In the scheme of things, do we really differ from the stereotypes we follow? The ones we rebel against? Who decides who we become? Us? No, we’re too insignificant to choose our futures, just a star hidden among the wider universe, behind the brighter stars, the bigger planets. Is it our friends? Our family? Do their influences make that much of a difference in comparison? Or is it larger than humans, then living, breathing life?
What defines us? What makes us who we are as human beings, as individuals? I feel like a strand of hair, just forgotten in the tangles being brushed, overlooked for my accomplishments, and seen only in my failures, when my flaws are brought to light.
What defines me?

Clarity and Calamity.

“Things go by too quickly. We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take the time to enjoy where we are. Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur. Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we’ve made, but its too late to change anything.”

—	Calvin & Hobbes

The previously posted quote.. Things go by too quickly. We’re so busy watching out for whats just ahead of us that we dont take the time to enjoy where we are… Is one of the most influential quotes I have read, and strangely enough, it is from a book of cartoons about a boy and his imaginary friend.
It’s definitely true that it takes a moment of calamity (ca·lam·i·ty/kəˈlamitē/Noun
1. An event causing great and often sudden damage or distress; a disaster.
2. Disaster and distress.) to truly appreciate the lives we live, the people around us and the luxuries we overlook, as well as see our individual life as it really is, without misconceptions, or rose coloured glasses. It takes just a moment of clarity to clearly see our mistakes, and understand our regrets. Sadly, just as fast as these moments hit, they fade, and as this clarity fades to oblivion, we’re left searching, unseeing.

How do I look?

When I put on make-up, or dye my hair, am I trying to look better to others or to myself? Do I feel better when someone else says I look nice? Or when I think I look nice? I honestly believe its the latter, because no matter how your dressed, if you feel happy about how you look, how your dressed and how you’re seen, you tend to be happier in general.
What do you think?

Alone in a crowded room.

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

Screamed, yet heard nothing but silence?

Have you ever sobbed from your heart,

but felt empty, helpless, lost?

Do you dream of your future,

or another reality?

Grieve for those lost,

or the memories long gone?

Are your smiles genuine?

Do you hide your pain?

Am I alone in this nightmare?

Am I alone in this game?

Tomorrow is the future.

What do I want from life? From myself? My future seems like forever away, a distant dream. In reality it’s every step, every breath and every word. My future is being shaped by the choices I make, by the moments I regret, and the ones I treasure. It scares me how close I am to finishing school, to entering a new part of my life, a journey I’m not sure of.
Will I reach those goals I’m constantly striving for? Live the life I dream of? Meet my inspirations? There’s so much I want in life, from life, yet so little time to achieve it.

What If I don’t reach my dreams? What if I can’t? The uncertainty remains to circle my mind, constantly allowing myself to doubt. I wish I could be sure about what’s around the corner, even just up the street. I wish mistakes weren’t apart of life, and that I didn’t have to make them. But ultimately, wishing won’t make them happen, wishing will merely inspire. It’s up to me to allow them to come true.

Tomorrow is my future. Today was the past. It’s time to start accepting the challenge of life and living while I still have the opportunity. I feel as if my life hasn’t begun, while it started long ago. How do I begin something I’ve already started?

Broken Friendships.

A very large part of life in the 21st century is the need for human companionship. Friends come and go, friendships grow and change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. Whether your 6, 16, 56 or 106, friendships remain to come and go. Who will my friends be when I finish school? Chances are they won't be the same people I'm close with at the moment. Last year I was close with certain people, yet now I find myself with a whole new group. So what changed? When did it change? Was it something I did? Said?

Sometimes it shocks me how much my life has changed over the last couple of years, how much I've learnt, how much I've gained, and how much I've lost. I never would have thought I'd drift from certain people, or that I'd be friends with others, but as times change, I change along with it. People always make a big fuss about how people don't change. For the most part, I disagree. I don't think its a vice, it's simply a part of life. An unavoidable, unchangeable part. People can change, and people do change.

I guess all we can do is treasure the friendships we do have, because like everything else in life, it doesn't last forever, and when it breaks, most of the time, it can't be glued back together. All we can do is remember what it once was, as we stare at the broken pieces and wish we'd been more careful.

Hawaii Post.

I am currently in Hawaii.
It shocks and amuses me to see all the different cultures, accents and realities.

As we walked Waikiki streets at night, we watched the street performers, we listened to the desperate pleas for us to buy their goods, or simply tell their boss they referred us.
But where do these people go home to?
What do these people go home to?
Are they faced with a disappointing reality? Struggling for food, for water, for warmth and companionship.
I want to help them, but is such a goal reachable?

The truth is, its not.
I may be able to give them money, or buy what they're selling, but I can't give all my money,

What would that leave me with?
I sound selfish, I sound rude.
But it's a simple truth. I can't save the world, nor the people in it.
I am enjoying this holiday, enjoying the freedom and relaxation, the climate and people around me.
But it saddens me that while I am enjoying myself. While I'm eating nice foods, buying nice clothes, there are people sleeping on the streets, people making a huge amount of effort, just to raise money for their next meal.
Reality isn't fair. In some cases, it's just cruel. The worst part is, I can't change that.
P.S. Today I, got the nod from a Real American Gangster, got invited to a party with a bunch of random men and twirled my hair while listening to a French man try to sell me a wind chime (until mum said, "I'm going shopping while my daughter stays to listen to your accent") Hawaii is fun.
I have also decided, as I am currently having an obsession with the French, that I am going to marry a Frenchman.
Just in case you were wondering..

Today is.

Today is black, like a starless night,

No light in the darkness, just a depth-less black.

It's a violin at a funeral, playing an endless tune,

and a shark circling the ocean,

with grace, but determination looms from within.

Today is a waltz, slow, yet sparks fly between.

I crawl though this nightmare, eager to awake to a dream.

I wrote this poem for a literature workshop, it's lame. Yes.

We were told to write it in a specific way, to show an emotion using:
A colour,

An instrument,
An animal,
A dance,
& A movement.

That's the best I could come up with, and as I have nothing else to do with the poem, I figured I should just put it on here. Goodbye.

Time Was.

"Those who can't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it"

-George Santanyana

If you could go back into the past, would you?

Would you change something, say something else?

& What would the effects of that change be? Would it change your whole future?

It's easy to say yes, that you would change a lot. Say more. Say less.

But if it were possible, would you actually do it?

Would you risk your current reality for a simple sentence?

I'd like to believe that everything happens for a reason.

I'd like to believe that everything I've ever said, or not said, will impact my future, my hopefully happy future.

For example, if I had of stood up for myself in primary school more, been more confident, maybe I would have joined that "It" crowd.. then now, more than likely, I would be doing what all of them seem to be doing.. dropping out of school, limiting their choices for the future. While instead, I'm continuing school, and one day when I'm rich and happy with my job, I'll laugh at the thought of ever wanting to be involved with them. Jokes on those suckers. Chances are one day they'll walk past a book store, written by me, and think, "I went to school with her! Why did I always treat her like shit? When now, she's successful and I'm not".

Well.. I doubt they will actually think that, but hey, can't hurt to imagine them doing so.

I think that if I could go back, I would only change certain things.

Like I would tell my lost loved ones that I loved them, before they died.

I would not bother with replies to bitchy comments, just delete them and move on.

Making mistakes has made me who I am, so why should I change them?

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is definitely true in this case.

Like that quote I heard in History said,

"By understanding out past, we can get a better shape of our future"

What about if you could go to the future, would you?

Would you be able to appreciate the present, when you know what's ahead?

Time is a strange thing.

Time holds the key to life. To who we were, who we are, and who we will be.

& each is influenced entirely on each other.

Every mistake, every joy has it's own influence. As does every friend, every enemy and every acquaintance.

We can wish to be somewhere else, in another time, another place, another life.

But in the end, the only things we can change, are in the present, in the current moment..

Think before you do. Because you can't change the past.

So, Hello from the past, enjoy your present & good luck with your future;

xo

Sticks&Stones

I've changed a lot over the last couple of years. Some changes are good, such as the fact that I know who I want to be and what I want to accomplish in life. While other changes are bad, such as I've had to learn to deal with death and other daily dramas, dramas I would rather not face. I look back to when I was in year 7 and it seems such a blur, I never understood the people around me, nor myself, and I cared too much about what others thought of me. I remember always trying to be in the "popular" crowd, trying to be friends with people who seemed like the most awesome people, trying to be exactly like them. In year 8 I started to realize that they really weren't that "cool". Sure, I persisted in trying to be in the "in" crowd, but eventually I had a realization. I realized that I pity them. I pity the fact that they don't have aspirations for the future, they focus too much on bitching about their friends and family. They don't get how the world works 'cause they're so focused on their dramas. And I feel sorry for them, because one day they are going to wake up and think, "what happened?"

So in about year 9 I found friends who changed all that for me, they weren't in my year group so they didn't straight away ditch me because I'm not the coolest person out there, and they didn't seem to care anyway. Since then I've made a lot of new friends, who make me genuinely happy and when I look at those people I tried to be friends with, I wonder how I ever wanted to be friends with them. How could I want to put up with their false smiles and constant bitching? Bitching about stupid in-group fights and name calling. In year 8 I would have been really offended if someone called me a nerd, but now I honestly couldn't care less. Reading and writing and doing well in school could help me get a job I enjoy one day, so who cares about a few names? Plus, I'm kind of used to it. I had braces so I've had them all.. "brace face, train tracks, ugly Betty etc.). The funny part is that now all those people that teased me have braces. So naturally, when I pass them down the hall I casually, "*cough*brace face*cough*" at them. It generally puts me in a good mood for the day. Karmas a bitch. It's a sticks & stones thing, names are just names and if your not willing to eat it don't dish it (I don't even think that makes sense - it sounded a lot better in my head).

I'm also quite sure that a lot of those "popular" people are dropping out of school in the next couple of years, why? Because they didn't try in school. One day when I'm making lots of money doing something I enjoy, they might be doing something they don't, regretting the fact they gossiped and bitched instead of actually trying for 4 years. Sucks to be them.

I guess I'm kinda happy about being a nerd because now I have the opportunity to do almost anything I want, and all because I wasn't focused on being someone I'm not (: Sticks&Stone

Happy new year, (13 days late)

xo

Scared of the Unexpected.

I should be completely happy. I have a healthy family and life is going well. I have great friends, who I can trust and make me laugh. I'm going to Hawaii in less then 4 months. The only thing I really have to worry about is getting my wisdom teeth taken out in a few weeks. But why do I still feel sad? Why am I still scared of the unexpected? Why can't I be genuinely happy with the luck I have? Why won't this nagging feeling go away? This feeling saying that somethings going to go wrong, because something always does. It's a terrible way of thinking, I know. Life should be cherished and appreciated, I've mentioned it so often, yet I can't seem to follow my own advice. How do I get past this fear of future disappointments?

I just finished reading a series of books called "The Circle Trilogy". It was brilliant, I didn't like the ending though, I wish the writer had of spoken of everyone else's futures instead of only two of the characters - the ones I liked least. Oh well, it had a happy ending so it brightened my day (: I'm running out of money to buy books, which just sucks. Looks like I'll just have to use the library instead. I prefer buying my books, because then I am free to read them again, and have the satisfaction of knowing I own it. I'm such a sad person - I definitely need a life.

As I mentioned before, I get my wisdom teeth out later this month. Joy. I hate pain, and am not looking forward to it - I'm dreading it, and typically, I have to start school the next week.. with my more than likely bruised face and painful mouth to make it loads of fun. But at least it will be the last of my dental work, I'll be free from dental appointments for a while hopefully.. Free to enjoy the countdown to Hawaii (:

Anyway, thats about all I'm willing to share for the moment..

I'm going to start writing a story or something.

I feel inspired?

bye,

x