Hawaii Post.

I am currently in Hawaii.
It shocks and amuses me to see all the different cultures, accents and realities.

As we walked Waikiki streets at night, we watched the street performers, we listened to the desperate pleas for us to buy their goods, or simply tell their boss they referred us.
But where do these people go home to?
What do these people go home to?
Are they faced with a disappointing reality? Struggling for food, for water, for warmth and companionship.
I want to help them, but is such a goal reachable?

The truth is, its not.
I may be able to give them money, or buy what they're selling, but I can't give all my money,

What would that leave me with?
I sound selfish, I sound rude.
But it's a simple truth. I can't save the world, nor the people in it.
I am enjoying this holiday, enjoying the freedom and relaxation, the climate and people around me.
But it saddens me that while I am enjoying myself. While I'm eating nice foods, buying nice clothes, there are people sleeping on the streets, people making a huge amount of effort, just to raise money for their next meal.
Reality isn't fair. In some cases, it's just cruel. The worst part is, I can't change that.
P.S. Today I, got the nod from a Real American Gangster, got invited to a party with a bunch of random men and twirled my hair while listening to a French man try to sell me a wind chime (until mum said, "I'm going shopping while my daughter stays to listen to your accent") Hawaii is fun.
I have also decided, as I am currently having an obsession with the French, that I am going to marry a Frenchman.
Just in case you were wondering..

Today is.

Today is black, like a starless night,

No light in the darkness, just a depth-less black.

It's a violin at a funeral, playing an endless tune,

and a shark circling the ocean,

with grace, but determination looms from within.

Today is a waltz, slow, yet sparks fly between.

I crawl though this nightmare, eager to awake to a dream.

I wrote this poem for a literature workshop, it's lame. Yes.

We were told to write it in a specific way, to show an emotion using:
A colour,

An instrument,
An animal,
A dance,
& A movement.

That's the best I could come up with, and as I have nothing else to do with the poem, I figured I should just put it on here. Goodbye.

Time Was.

"Those who can't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it"

-George Santanyana

If you could go back into the past, would you?

Would you change something, say something else?

& What would the effects of that change be? Would it change your whole future?

It's easy to say yes, that you would change a lot. Say more. Say less.

But if it were possible, would you actually do it?

Would you risk your current reality for a simple sentence?

I'd like to believe that everything happens for a reason.

I'd like to believe that everything I've ever said, or not said, will impact my future, my hopefully happy future.

For example, if I had of stood up for myself in primary school more, been more confident, maybe I would have joined that "It" crowd.. then now, more than likely, I would be doing what all of them seem to be doing.. dropping out of school, limiting their choices for the future. While instead, I'm continuing school, and one day when I'm rich and happy with my job, I'll laugh at the thought of ever wanting to be involved with them. Jokes on those suckers. Chances are one day they'll walk past a book store, written by me, and think, "I went to school with her! Why did I always treat her like shit? When now, she's successful and I'm not".

Well.. I doubt they will actually think that, but hey, can't hurt to imagine them doing so.

I think that if I could go back, I would only change certain things.

Like I would tell my lost loved ones that I loved them, before they died.

I would not bother with replies to bitchy comments, just delete them and move on.

Making mistakes has made me who I am, so why should I change them?

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is definitely true in this case.

Like that quote I heard in History said,

"By understanding out past, we can get a better shape of our future"

What about if you could go to the future, would you?

Would you be able to appreciate the present, when you know what's ahead?

Time is a strange thing.

Time holds the key to life. To who we were, who we are, and who we will be.

& each is influenced entirely on each other.

Every mistake, every joy has it's own influence. As does every friend, every enemy and every acquaintance.

We can wish to be somewhere else, in another time, another place, another life.

But in the end, the only things we can change, are in the present, in the current moment..

Think before you do. Because you can't change the past.

So, Hello from the past, enjoy your present & good luck with your future;

xo

Sticks&Stones

I've changed a lot over the last couple of years. Some changes are good, such as the fact that I know who I want to be and what I want to accomplish in life. While other changes are bad, such as I've had to learn to deal with death and other daily dramas, dramas I would rather not face. I look back to when I was in year 7 and it seems such a blur, I never understood the people around me, nor myself, and I cared too much about what others thought of me. I remember always trying to be in the "popular" crowd, trying to be friends with people who seemed like the most awesome people, trying to be exactly like them. In year 8 I started to realize that they really weren't that "cool". Sure, I persisted in trying to be in the "in" crowd, but eventually I had a realization. I realized that I pity them. I pity the fact that they don't have aspirations for the future, they focus too much on bitching about their friends and family. They don't get how the world works 'cause they're so focused on their dramas. And I feel sorry for them, because one day they are going to wake up and think, "what happened?"

So in about year 9 I found friends who changed all that for me, they weren't in my year group so they didn't straight away ditch me because I'm not the coolest person out there, and they didn't seem to care anyway. Since then I've made a lot of new friends, who make me genuinely happy and when I look at those people I tried to be friends with, I wonder how I ever wanted to be friends with them. How could I want to put up with their false smiles and constant bitching? Bitching about stupid in-group fights and name calling. In year 8 I would have been really offended if someone called me a nerd, but now I honestly couldn't care less. Reading and writing and doing well in school could help me get a job I enjoy one day, so who cares about a few names? Plus, I'm kind of used to it. I had braces so I've had them all.. "brace face, train tracks, ugly Betty etc.). The funny part is that now all those people that teased me have braces. So naturally, when I pass them down the hall I casually, "*cough*brace face*cough*" at them. It generally puts me in a good mood for the day. Karmas a bitch. It's a sticks & stones thing, names are just names and if your not willing to eat it don't dish it (I don't even think that makes sense - it sounded a lot better in my head).

I'm also quite sure that a lot of those "popular" people are dropping out of school in the next couple of years, why? Because they didn't try in school. One day when I'm making lots of money doing something I enjoy, they might be doing something they don't, regretting the fact they gossiped and bitched instead of actually trying for 4 years. Sucks to be them.

I guess I'm kinda happy about being a nerd because now I have the opportunity to do almost anything I want, and all because I wasn't focused on being someone I'm not (: Sticks&Stone

Happy new year, (13 days late)

xo

Scared of the Unexpected.

I should be completely happy. I have a healthy family and life is going well. I have great friends, who I can trust and make me laugh. I'm going to Hawaii in less then 4 months. The only thing I really have to worry about is getting my wisdom teeth taken out in a few weeks. But why do I still feel sad? Why am I still scared of the unexpected? Why can't I be genuinely happy with the luck I have? Why won't this nagging feeling go away? This feeling saying that somethings going to go wrong, because something always does. It's a terrible way of thinking, I know. Life should be cherished and appreciated, I've mentioned it so often, yet I can't seem to follow my own advice. How do I get past this fear of future disappointments?

I just finished reading a series of books called "The Circle Trilogy". It was brilliant, I didn't like the ending though, I wish the writer had of spoken of everyone else's futures instead of only two of the characters - the ones I liked least. Oh well, it had a happy ending so it brightened my day (: I'm running out of money to buy books, which just sucks. Looks like I'll just have to use the library instead. I prefer buying my books, because then I am free to read them again, and have the satisfaction of knowing I own it. I'm such a sad person - I definitely need a life.

As I mentioned before, I get my wisdom teeth out later this month. Joy. I hate pain, and am not looking forward to it - I'm dreading it, and typically, I have to start school the next week.. with my more than likely bruised face and painful mouth to make it loads of fun. But at least it will be the last of my dental work, I'll be free from dental appointments for a while hopefully.. Free to enjoy the countdown to Hawaii (:

Anyway, thats about all I'm willing to share for the moment..

I'm going to start writing a story or something.

I feel inspired?

bye,

x

What hides in the darkness.

The other day Brittany Murphy died. No, I'm not a big fan. In fact, I wouldn't even be classified as a fan. I didn't know her and I didn't pay much attention to her, but someone somewhere is grieving her death. Whether it's her family, who must be in a great deal of pain right not, or her fans, who are wishing they had of appreciated her more.

She was 32 years old. She wasn't married and didn't have kids (as far as I know). It's sad that she never got the chance. Makes you want to appreciate what you have more. People can die so early.

Anyway, last night I was laying in bed reading. It was a particularly creepy book about vampires. So when I turned off the light, I became super aware of everything. Every noise made outside, every shadow that passed across my window and of course the dark. The strange thing is that as soon as I pulled my blanket up around my neck, I felt safer, calmer. A vampire comes to kill me in the night, but it's okay, I'm safe under my blanket, 'cause a blood sucking, strong, inhumane vampire can't get me under the covers safety. As long as I can remember I've always done this, always hide under the covers like it can protect me from anything. Sometimes it can be a particularly hot night and I'm absolutely dieing, yet I still remain hidden under the covers, afraid to move. Yeh I know I'm pretty pathetic, but the dark scares me sometimes. Everything seems scarier. I find it funny though, how having a cover over me makes me feel more protected. It's not like I'm scared of the dark, in fact I love it, I love the silence, the freedom my mind has to wander without distractions, the calm. But I do have my moments, when every movement makes me jumpy, so I use my phone as a torch, making my room look even more creepier with the shadows cast because of the dim light.

I've pretty much spent the last two days at home with my brother. I want to kill him. He is driving my insane. It just plain sucks that he's taller than me, of course he doesn't push me around, 'cause I can knock him to the ground easily, I think he's scared to hurt me, hahaha. If he does, he knows nothings off limits, I would go into his room and attack his things, not to mention the messages I would send off his phone to his female friends. Christmas is tomorrow, meaning mums in a shitty mood while she cleans everything for the family lunch tomorrow, I did the dishes for her, so of course she comes in and says "Why has nobody cleaned the cutting board?" Jeepers, no thanks for doing the dishes Shelby? My cousin will be in town today, which is great, she seems to be the only person who I can be myself around. Sure, I'm pretty much myself around my friends, but I'm always on my guard anyway. Whereas, when I'm around my family members I'm more myself, because they're family, so they can't just leave me (: hahaha, sucks to be them.

Wow, mum just turned on the super nice. She offered to take me into town this afternoon to go to the book shop (Of course) and then the dress shop place. Sweet.

I had my hair cut yesterday (like anyone really gives a shit?) so it made me feel a tad better about my self.

I shall hopefully post a more interesting blog in the next couple of days,

So until then, be safe, have a very merry Christmas,

& remember: It's not plagiarism it's just collective research (:

Guardian Angels

As I said in my last post, I bought a cool book the other day.

It's about Vampires.. and Guardian Angles. It's made me wonder whether I have one of my own, is there someone watching over me? making sure I don't make too big a mistake?

It's possible, I suppose. I've had numerous accidents and injuries. I've made mistakes, but nothing too life changing, is it possible someone is helping?

Yes, I know I sound like a complete nutter. Who knows? Maybe I've finally gone insane (:

But wouldn't it be awesome if we did have Guardian Angels?

Although it would be rather embarrassing, considering it would mean that they've seen every embarrassing moment, all my mistakes and such. Oh well, I still want one.

I started the book yesterday, surprise, surprise I've finished it.

I was sobbing at the end. Not as much as when Dimitri died in "Shadow Kiss", but the tears were flowing like a waterfall. *Spoiler* You see, one of the main characters in the book became a Vampire, and her Guardian Angel, who was in love with her, became an immortal human so that he could try to save her soul and stuff.. all this shit happened and in the end she asked him to kill her so that she wouldn't have to go to hell. He did it so that she didn't have to go to hell and she died and Michael the archangel saved her and let her into heaven, but then he was like to Zachary (the Guardian Angel) "you have a new mission from God, to save the souls of other Vampires" and it ended with Zachary going off in hope that one day he can reunite with Miranda.

It was soooo sad. hahaha, I'm a sucker for sad love stories.

Anyway, enough about my growing insanity and book obsessions,

I have a song stuck in my head. It refuses to budge, it just replays until I listen to it again.

The song is Christmas Cash by Lucas Cruikshank (Fred Figglehorn)

It's surprisingly catchy - search it (:

I would love to meet him, he seems like a really cool person.

I would also love to meet Shane Dawson, he's like the coolest person alive. I'm like Obsessed with him.

& somehow I'm going to try get in contact with him, and be like, "So in my gap year I'm coming to America, can I meet you? please please please?"

Hahahahaha, God I need a life.

I'm going,

Going to see the movie Avatar soon (:

Then I'm going to come home and read Eternal again (don't judge me)

Btw, should I start a new blog for book reviews?? I won't have spoilers. Just thoughts on the book?

Bye (:

xo