What hides in the darkness.

The other day Brittany Murphy died. No, I'm not a big fan. In fact, I wouldn't even be classified as a fan. I didn't know her and I didn't pay much attention to her, but someone somewhere is grieving her death. Whether it's her family, who must be in a great deal of pain right not, or her fans, who are wishing they had of appreciated her more.

She was 32 years old. She wasn't married and didn't have kids (as far as I know). It's sad that she never got the chance. Makes you want to appreciate what you have more. People can die so early.

Anyway, last night I was laying in bed reading. It was a particularly creepy book about vampires. So when I turned off the light, I became super aware of everything. Every noise made outside, every shadow that passed across my window and of course the dark. The strange thing is that as soon as I pulled my blanket up around my neck, I felt safer, calmer. A vampire comes to kill me in the night, but it's okay, I'm safe under my blanket, 'cause a blood sucking, strong, inhumane vampire can't get me under the covers safety. As long as I can remember I've always done this, always hide under the covers like it can protect me from anything. Sometimes it can be a particularly hot night and I'm absolutely dieing, yet I still remain hidden under the covers, afraid to move. Yeh I know I'm pretty pathetic, but the dark scares me sometimes. Everything seems scarier. I find it funny though, how having a cover over me makes me feel more protected. It's not like I'm scared of the dark, in fact I love it, I love the silence, the freedom my mind has to wander without distractions, the calm. But I do have my moments, when every movement makes me jumpy, so I use my phone as a torch, making my room look even more creepier with the shadows cast because of the dim light.

I've pretty much spent the last two days at home with my brother. I want to kill him. He is driving my insane. It just plain sucks that he's taller than me, of course he doesn't push me around, 'cause I can knock him to the ground easily, I think he's scared to hurt me, hahaha. If he does, he knows nothings off limits, I would go into his room and attack his things, not to mention the messages I would send off his phone to his female friends. Christmas is tomorrow, meaning mums in a shitty mood while she cleans everything for the family lunch tomorrow, I did the dishes for her, so of course she comes in and says "Why has nobody cleaned the cutting board?" Jeepers, no thanks for doing the dishes Shelby? My cousin will be in town today, which is great, she seems to be the only person who I can be myself around. Sure, I'm pretty much myself around my friends, but I'm always on my guard anyway. Whereas, when I'm around my family members I'm more myself, because they're family, so they can't just leave me (: hahaha, sucks to be them.

Wow, mum just turned on the super nice. She offered to take me into town this afternoon to go to the book shop (Of course) and then the dress shop place. Sweet.

I had my hair cut yesterday (like anyone really gives a shit?) so it made me feel a tad better about my self.

I shall hopefully post a more interesting blog in the next couple of days,

So until then, be safe, have a very merry Christmas,

& remember: It's not plagiarism it's just collective research (:

Guardian Angels

As I said in my last post, I bought a cool book the other day.

It's about Vampires.. and Guardian Angles. It's made me wonder whether I have one of my own, is there someone watching over me? making sure I don't make too big a mistake?

It's possible, I suppose. I've had numerous accidents and injuries. I've made mistakes, but nothing too life changing, is it possible someone is helping?

Yes, I know I sound like a complete nutter. Who knows? Maybe I've finally gone insane (:

But wouldn't it be awesome if we did have Guardian Angels?

Although it would be rather embarrassing, considering it would mean that they've seen every embarrassing moment, all my mistakes and such. Oh well, I still want one.

I started the book yesterday, surprise, surprise I've finished it.

I was sobbing at the end. Not as much as when Dimitri died in "Shadow Kiss", but the tears were flowing like a waterfall. *Spoiler* You see, one of the main characters in the book became a Vampire, and her Guardian Angel, who was in love with her, became an immortal human so that he could try to save her soul and stuff.. all this shit happened and in the end she asked him to kill her so that she wouldn't have to go to hell. He did it so that she didn't have to go to hell and she died and Michael the archangel saved her and let her into heaven, but then he was like to Zachary (the Guardian Angel) "you have a new mission from God, to save the souls of other Vampires" and it ended with Zachary going off in hope that one day he can reunite with Miranda.

It was soooo sad. hahaha, I'm a sucker for sad love stories.

Anyway, enough about my growing insanity and book obsessions,

I have a song stuck in my head. It refuses to budge, it just replays until I listen to it again.

The song is Christmas Cash by Lucas Cruikshank (Fred Figglehorn)

It's surprisingly catchy - search it (:

I would love to meet him, he seems like a really cool person.

I would also love to meet Shane Dawson, he's like the coolest person alive. I'm like Obsessed with him.

& somehow I'm going to try get in contact with him, and be like, "So in my gap year I'm coming to America, can I meet you? please please please?"

Hahahahaha, God I need a life.

I'm going,

Going to see the movie Avatar soon (:

Then I'm going to come home and read Eternal again (don't judge me)

Btw, should I start a new blog for book reviews?? I won't have spoilers. Just thoughts on the book?

Bye (:

xo

Men in suits (:

Men look good in suits.

I think that men should just ALWAYS wear suits - 'cause they look so damn good.
I went to a Cabaret last night, it was amazing to say the least..

Two of my bestfriends were dancing in it.. they were great!
One of them had a hell hot dance partner, I'd start dancing just to dance with him.

I also made a huge fool of myself.. I made a friend there and we decided we'd try to learn to do the barn dance. So we got up.. in front of over 100 professional dancers.. and had a go.

We weren't so good. In fact, I think we were terrible.

& it didn't help that my dress kept falling down.

I didn't even realize that they played the song twice - furthering my embarrassment.

We learnt by following the people in front of us.. who also had trouble with it..

When we finally sat down, we were completely breathless, yet filled with excitement and adrenaline. So we got up again before the night was over and learnt 3 more dances, including a rather funny macarena (I don't think thats how it's spelt.. but oh well)

I had a great night.

It kind of made me realize how lucky I am to have friends like that.

Friends that comment on my dress, make me have a go at dances I have never even heard of, and friends that take photos of hot guys ass's.

I wonder how long this happiness and realization will last?

Probably till this afternoon. Oh well.

OMGsh, & the weirdest thing happened! Okay, so theres this song thats been like my favorite since I was little.. It's from the movie Anastasia and it's called "At the beginning, by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis"

Anyway, about 3 years ago.. when I first started going to Cabarets, I thought it would be the perfect song for my friend to dance to. I never told her, but I was always thinking that someone should do it.. THEN,

My friend went up to do her dance with her hot dance partner,

and out of millions of songs, guess what song they did?

I gasped, hahaha, went into shock.

More than a coincidence? maybe.

Wow. just, wow.

I Looked at a photo of Grandad just then. When I look at photos of him, or hear the word "Grandad" I feel like crying, yet I can't find any tears left to cry. I miss him a lot. But getting upset about it won't bring him back. It's strange to think he's no longer on this earth, he's no longer breathing, or seeing, or hearing. It amazes me how one minute someone can be alive and happy, then the next the opposite. As much as I know of death, the concept still shocks me. It doesn't feel like it's true, it feels like they're just on a really really long holiday. How can they possibly not be alive? Sharing the air I breath, or walking on the ground I walk on. It doesn't sound right. It doesn't feel right.

I bought another book yesterday. Yes, I am a major nerd, but honestly. I don't give a shit what people think about that. I am who I am. Deal with it.

Anyway, The book I bought is about Vampires. It's weird that I seem to be buying a lot of fantasy books lately, I used to always say that I didn't like fantasy. I like these books because they are so completely different from reality.. for a couple of hours I can just get away from everything and enter a world thats impossible in so many different ways.
I think it's extremely funny that I have a lot of people coming and asking me what books I recommend and stuff, but I don't get how people can not like reading in general.. So much can be learnt from them. I should work at a book store or something.. haha, except I'd spend too much money instead of making money.

Okay I'm going to stop with the nerdiness..It's just getting out of hand.

I was at church the other day at school (not by choice) and the priest put this like, slideshow on and one of the slides said "Before you complain about your life, think about the people that died too early" and it had a picture of flowers on the side of a road (someone must have crashed and died)

It really did make me think.. more than anything else the priest had said.

It was so true. So many people, including myself, spend too much time complaining and not seeing the bigger picture. Not seeing how lucky most of us are, to have things as simple as clean water or a family that loves us.

People need to appreciate what they have, because as my mum said the other night "everything changes" and as I have said in previous blogs "change is the one constant in our lives"

Anyway, I'm off.

I have nothing interesting to write about,

Goodbye

xo

Commiserating Death.

Death is a part of life.

A very unfair, unavoidable part.
We can choose to accept it, or we can choose to fear it.

This year, as most of you know, I lost 3 family members.
The experienced changed me, in both good and bad ways.. Now I try to appreciate my loved ones more, I try to appreciate what I have and enjoy my life while it lasts. But I also started questioning everything. How could this happen to me? Why do bad things happen to good people? My Grandad was a catholic, as was my uncle. They went to church on Sundays.. and were nice people in general, yet they still died too early.. died in pain.. My Grandad won't get to teach me to drive as he would have loved to do.. I won't get to talk to my uncle and reply to his letters.. So why did it happen? How could God take them from me?

As I said, Death is a part of life, a very unfair, unavoidable part. How can I accept something I fear so much.

When I was at my Granny's house yesterday. I listened at my parents were told that my Grandad's close friend had just been diagnosed with cancer as well.. He was given 6-9 or something weeks. I commiserated with the emotions he and his family may be feeling. The same feelings I had about my Grandad. Maybe more, considering the effects of what had happened didn't really hit me until my Grandad had died.

I suppose these moments are when we need to really "smile with the sad" and keep believing that "everything happens for a reason".

One day everything will work out, I'm hoping.

Well I didn't want this blog to be such a downer.. but.. hmm..

I just went for a walk.. ugh, I hate exercise. I bought this black dress the other day, so I figured that I better do some exercise if I want to still fit in it, haha.

I also put up the Christmas tree last night.. I was feeling the Christmas cheer and thought, hey, lets put up some decorations. So, I got everything ready (by myself.. my family isn't very Christmasy.. they just want to skip the holiday altogether - creeps) and I put the decorations up.. and the presents under the tree, so I'm all ready to celebrate. To make best with what I have and enjoy it while it lasts (:

Christmas is next week. I'm more exited than I thought I'd be, I don't know why.

My cousin is coming up next week, I'm so exited to see her. It's strange how close we've become in the last few years. Ever since she stopped coming up every holidays, I've realized how important her visits were to me. My best memories all involve her.. sand dunes.. beach.. the best days... but then Grandad got sick.. and it had to stop. Shit happens.

I'm going to go and watch the Christmas/midday movie. They have happy endings and they give me hope, plus most are romances and I'm a sucker for a good love story (:

Have a nice day,
& enjoy what you have while it lasts; everything happens for a reason.

xo

Unwanted & Unwantable

Sometimes the smallest things can blow your confidence.

yesterday I had a bad day. I mean, the day was good but at one point everything felt wrong.
I hold a lot in, not because I don't have people that I trust.. But because I don't want everyone thinking I'm pathetic, and I don't want people to worry about me, when everyone has their own problems to deal with.
But yesterday, it felt like I had been hit in the face.
Firstly, I found out how close Christmas was, and remembered that this is the first Christmas without my Grandad and Great Nana..
Secondly, My bestfriend came online and I remembered the friendship we had(keyword: had)
We're not fighting or anything.. but we never talk anymore.. and it just upset me.
and then it went all wrong from there. I felt completely alone, forgotten.. All my problems just started coming forward and I felt like shit.
then my friend, who has a weird sense of humor, made a joke about my weight. No, I'm not fat.. I'm not skinny either though. He made the joke because apparently "you can make fat jokes about skinny people".
But I'm self conscience.. and I was already in a bad state of mind.
& I cracked.. I broke.. I shattered.
I got upset about a joke that was meant to make me laugh.
Should problems be bottled up or shared?

The obvious answer is to "share". Even I know that. But does anyone really care?
Sometimes it feels like they don't.

I wish I could get rid of this feeling I have. That I'm unwanted and unwantable.
I wish I was confident.
I wish I was happy.

But they're only wishes.
I need to start concentrating on reality. I'm far too wrapped up in wishes and daydreams.
I'm off, to face reality.

I love fictional men (:

Hey Bloggers,

I haven't blogged in a while, haven't been in the mood.

To be honest, I'm not really in the mood now..

But hey, isn't that the point of blogging?

Spilling your guts for no apparent reason..

Life's alright for the moment, I don't feel like crying in the fetal position..

Which is a good sign..

I don't think anyone really listens to me,

yeh, I'm greedy and selfish for thinking like that, I'm not the only one with problems.

but is it too much to ask for someone to just.. care?

I listen to my friends problems every day,

I give advice when needed,

sympathize with them,

The strange part is that no one asks me how I am.

Everyone is so wrapped up in there own problems these days.

Does no one else realize that they are not the only ones with problems?

Does no one realize that their are far worse problems than the ones they have?

Don't get me wrong, when someone needs someone to talk to, I'm all ears..

I think it's good that these people are able to have someone they can trust. I think problems need to be out in the open before they can be fixed.

But just because I give advice and listen doesn't mean I have no problems.

I am okay at the moment.

But some days I just want someone to listen to me for once.

Some days I just want to be the one thats heard, not the one that hears. I want advice and sympathy, not to just give it all the time.

Today someone said to me, "your too happy to be emo"

No, I'm not planning on going emo.. but the statement surprised me,

do I really look happy?

When most days I feel like utter shit.
I think people see what they want so see.. I know I probably do.

Also, I think a lot of people need to start watching what they say. A small un-influential comment they make might seem like nothing to them, but they can impact people in large ways.. even if they don't realize.

My friend said something to me the other day.. and I know she didn't mean for the comment to hurt me, I don't think she even realized it had. It shouldn't have upset me the way it did. Why don't people care about the use of words like "love" or "bestfriend" anymore?

The words are overused. I only use them when I really believe them, but others just chuck around the words.

Start to think about the things you say.

I'm listening to this song,

& I just realized its about a guy who cheated on his girlfriend, and she found out and he's trying to bribe her into getting back with him because hes going to "be a star some day"

Is it just me? or is something seriously wrong with that?

I think thats a terrible message to be sending - "So you found out I cheated on you, but hey, it's okay 'cause I'm going to be famous some day".

What's with that? I mean, it's a cool song. But the lyrics would be better if the message wasn't so obnoxious..

This week will be my last week as a year 10. Strange, strange indeed.

I can't believe how fast this year has gone..

& how much has changed along with the days.

But I'm glad the year is over,

No more P.E! No more Science!

More study though :(

I've bought a lot of books in the last months,

The Vampire Academy was definately my best buy this year,

almost as good as the Twilight saga.. ALMOST!

I also bought the following books:

Evernight

Hush, Hush

Fallen

A long with a lot more random books.

I never thought I'd enjoy fantasy books, yet I find myself buying a lot of vampire books..

I haven't read those books yet, as mum has stolen them and said that she'd pay for them, but I had to wait till Christmas.. ah!

P.S. I DIBS; Edward Cullen, Dimitri Belikov & Adrian Ivashkov (:

Hahahahaha, I love fictional men (:

Anyway, thats about it for the moment.

The reason the title is "Hush, hush" is 'cause I thought it kind of went with the blog.. y'know?

like when someone want's you to shut up they say Hushhhh.. or is it just me that does that?

& because I bought the book Hush, hush.. search it.. it has a MAD cover.

Fallen has a better cover though.. the best cover I've ever seen.. it was part of the reason I bought the book..

Hence why I'm now searching pictures of Gothic Angels,

'cause they look really cool - some people are so creative.

Bye,

xo