What hides in the darkness.

The other day Brittany Murphy died. No, I'm not a big fan. In fact, I wouldn't even be classified as a fan. I didn't know her and I didn't pay much attention to her, but someone somewhere is grieving her death. Whether it's her family, who must be in a great deal of pain right not, or her fans, who are wishing they had of appreciated her more.

She was 32 years old. She wasn't married and didn't have kids (as far as I know). It's sad that she never got the chance. Makes you want to appreciate what you have more. People can die so early.

Anyway, last night I was laying in bed reading. It was a particularly creepy book about vampires. So when I turned off the light, I became super aware of everything. Every noise made outside, every shadow that passed across my window and of course the dark. The strange thing is that as soon as I pulled my blanket up around my neck, I felt safer, calmer. A vampire comes to kill me in the night, but it's okay, I'm safe under my blanket, 'cause a blood sucking, strong, inhumane vampire can't get me under the covers safety. As long as I can remember I've always done this, always hide under the covers like it can protect me from anything. Sometimes it can be a particularly hot night and I'm absolutely dieing, yet I still remain hidden under the covers, afraid to move. Yeh I know I'm pretty pathetic, but the dark scares me sometimes. Everything seems scarier. I find it funny though, how having a cover over me makes me feel more protected. It's not like I'm scared of the dark, in fact I love it, I love the silence, the freedom my mind has to wander without distractions, the calm. But I do have my moments, when every movement makes me jumpy, so I use my phone as a torch, making my room look even more creepier with the shadows cast because of the dim light.

I've pretty much spent the last two days at home with my brother. I want to kill him. He is driving my insane. It just plain sucks that he's taller than me, of course he doesn't push me around, 'cause I can knock him to the ground easily, I think he's scared to hurt me, hahaha. If he does, he knows nothings off limits, I would go into his room and attack his things, not to mention the messages I would send off his phone to his female friends. Christmas is tomorrow, meaning mums in a shitty mood while she cleans everything for the family lunch tomorrow, I did the dishes for her, so of course she comes in and says "Why has nobody cleaned the cutting board?" Jeepers, no thanks for doing the dishes Shelby? My cousin will be in town today, which is great, she seems to be the only person who I can be myself around. Sure, I'm pretty much myself around my friends, but I'm always on my guard anyway. Whereas, when I'm around my family members I'm more myself, because they're family, so they can't just leave me (: hahaha, sucks to be them.

Wow, mum just turned on the super nice. She offered to take me into town this afternoon to go to the book shop (Of course) and then the dress shop place. Sweet.

I had my hair cut yesterday (like anyone really gives a shit?) so it made me feel a tad better about my self.

I shall hopefully post a more interesting blog in the next couple of days,

So until then, be safe, have a very merry Christmas,

& remember: It's not plagiarism it's just collective research (:

Guardian Angels

As I said in my last post, I bought a cool book the other day.

It's about Vampires.. and Guardian Angles. It's made me wonder whether I have one of my own, is there someone watching over me? making sure I don't make too big a mistake?

It's possible, I suppose. I've had numerous accidents and injuries. I've made mistakes, but nothing too life changing, is it possible someone is helping?

Yes, I know I sound like a complete nutter. Who knows? Maybe I've finally gone insane (:

But wouldn't it be awesome if we did have Guardian Angels?

Although it would be rather embarrassing, considering it would mean that they've seen every embarrassing moment, all my mistakes and such. Oh well, I still want one.

I started the book yesterday, surprise, surprise I've finished it.

I was sobbing at the end. Not as much as when Dimitri died in "Shadow Kiss", but the tears were flowing like a waterfall. *Spoiler* You see, one of the main characters in the book became a Vampire, and her Guardian Angel, who was in love with her, became an immortal human so that he could try to save her soul and stuff.. all this shit happened and in the end she asked him to kill her so that she wouldn't have to go to hell. He did it so that she didn't have to go to hell and she died and Michael the archangel saved her and let her into heaven, but then he was like to Zachary (the Guardian Angel) "you have a new mission from God, to save the souls of other Vampires" and it ended with Zachary going off in hope that one day he can reunite with Miranda.

It was soooo sad. hahaha, I'm a sucker for sad love stories.

Anyway, enough about my growing insanity and book obsessions,

I have a song stuck in my head. It refuses to budge, it just replays until I listen to it again.

The song is Christmas Cash by Lucas Cruikshank (Fred Figglehorn)

It's surprisingly catchy - search it (:

I would love to meet him, he seems like a really cool person.

I would also love to meet Shane Dawson, he's like the coolest person alive. I'm like Obsessed with him.

& somehow I'm going to try get in contact with him, and be like, "So in my gap year I'm coming to America, can I meet you? please please please?"

Hahahahaha, God I need a life.

I'm going,

Going to see the movie Avatar soon (:

Then I'm going to come home and read Eternal again (don't judge me)

Btw, should I start a new blog for book reviews?? I won't have spoilers. Just thoughts on the book?

Bye (:

xo

Men in suits (:

Men look good in suits.

I think that men should just ALWAYS wear suits - 'cause they look so damn good.
I went to a Cabaret last night, it was amazing to say the least..

Two of my bestfriends were dancing in it.. they were great!
One of them had a hell hot dance partner, I'd start dancing just to dance with him.

I also made a huge fool of myself.. I made a friend there and we decided we'd try to learn to do the barn dance. So we got up.. in front of over 100 professional dancers.. and had a go.

We weren't so good. In fact, I think we were terrible.

& it didn't help that my dress kept falling down.

I didn't even realize that they played the song twice - furthering my embarrassment.

We learnt by following the people in front of us.. who also had trouble with it..

When we finally sat down, we were completely breathless, yet filled with excitement and adrenaline. So we got up again before the night was over and learnt 3 more dances, including a rather funny macarena (I don't think thats how it's spelt.. but oh well)

I had a great night.

It kind of made me realize how lucky I am to have friends like that.

Friends that comment on my dress, make me have a go at dances I have never even heard of, and friends that take photos of hot guys ass's.

I wonder how long this happiness and realization will last?

Probably till this afternoon. Oh well.

OMGsh, & the weirdest thing happened! Okay, so theres this song thats been like my favorite since I was little.. It's from the movie Anastasia and it's called "At the beginning, by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis"

Anyway, about 3 years ago.. when I first started going to Cabarets, I thought it would be the perfect song for my friend to dance to. I never told her, but I was always thinking that someone should do it.. THEN,

My friend went up to do her dance with her hot dance partner,

and out of millions of songs, guess what song they did?

I gasped, hahaha, went into shock.

More than a coincidence? maybe.

Wow. just, wow.

I Looked at a photo of Grandad just then. When I look at photos of him, or hear the word "Grandad" I feel like crying, yet I can't find any tears left to cry. I miss him a lot. But getting upset about it won't bring him back. It's strange to think he's no longer on this earth, he's no longer breathing, or seeing, or hearing. It amazes me how one minute someone can be alive and happy, then the next the opposite. As much as I know of death, the concept still shocks me. It doesn't feel like it's true, it feels like they're just on a really really long holiday. How can they possibly not be alive? Sharing the air I breath, or walking on the ground I walk on. It doesn't sound right. It doesn't feel right.

I bought another book yesterday. Yes, I am a major nerd, but honestly. I don't give a shit what people think about that. I am who I am. Deal with it.

Anyway, The book I bought is about Vampires. It's weird that I seem to be buying a lot of fantasy books lately, I used to always say that I didn't like fantasy. I like these books because they are so completely different from reality.. for a couple of hours I can just get away from everything and enter a world thats impossible in so many different ways.
I think it's extremely funny that I have a lot of people coming and asking me what books I recommend and stuff, but I don't get how people can not like reading in general.. So much can be learnt from them. I should work at a book store or something.. haha, except I'd spend too much money instead of making money.

Okay I'm going to stop with the nerdiness..It's just getting out of hand.

I was at church the other day at school (not by choice) and the priest put this like, slideshow on and one of the slides said "Before you complain about your life, think about the people that died too early" and it had a picture of flowers on the side of a road (someone must have crashed and died)

It really did make me think.. more than anything else the priest had said.

It was so true. So many people, including myself, spend too much time complaining and not seeing the bigger picture. Not seeing how lucky most of us are, to have things as simple as clean water or a family that loves us.

People need to appreciate what they have, because as my mum said the other night "everything changes" and as I have said in previous blogs "change is the one constant in our lives"

Anyway, I'm off.

I have nothing interesting to write about,

Goodbye

xo

Commiserating Death.

Death is a part of life.

A very unfair, unavoidable part.
We can choose to accept it, or we can choose to fear it.

This year, as most of you know, I lost 3 family members.
The experienced changed me, in both good and bad ways.. Now I try to appreciate my loved ones more, I try to appreciate what I have and enjoy my life while it lasts. But I also started questioning everything. How could this happen to me? Why do bad things happen to good people? My Grandad was a catholic, as was my uncle. They went to church on Sundays.. and were nice people in general, yet they still died too early.. died in pain.. My Grandad won't get to teach me to drive as he would have loved to do.. I won't get to talk to my uncle and reply to his letters.. So why did it happen? How could God take them from me?

As I said, Death is a part of life, a very unfair, unavoidable part. How can I accept something I fear so much.

When I was at my Granny's house yesterday. I listened at my parents were told that my Grandad's close friend had just been diagnosed with cancer as well.. He was given 6-9 or something weeks. I commiserated with the emotions he and his family may be feeling. The same feelings I had about my Grandad. Maybe more, considering the effects of what had happened didn't really hit me until my Grandad had died.

I suppose these moments are when we need to really "smile with the sad" and keep believing that "everything happens for a reason".

One day everything will work out, I'm hoping.

Well I didn't want this blog to be such a downer.. but.. hmm..

I just went for a walk.. ugh, I hate exercise. I bought this black dress the other day, so I figured that I better do some exercise if I want to still fit in it, haha.

I also put up the Christmas tree last night.. I was feeling the Christmas cheer and thought, hey, lets put up some decorations. So, I got everything ready (by myself.. my family isn't very Christmasy.. they just want to skip the holiday altogether - creeps) and I put the decorations up.. and the presents under the tree, so I'm all ready to celebrate. To make best with what I have and enjoy it while it lasts (:

Christmas is next week. I'm more exited than I thought I'd be, I don't know why.

My cousin is coming up next week, I'm so exited to see her. It's strange how close we've become in the last few years. Ever since she stopped coming up every holidays, I've realized how important her visits were to me. My best memories all involve her.. sand dunes.. beach.. the best days... but then Grandad got sick.. and it had to stop. Shit happens.

I'm going to go and watch the Christmas/midday movie. They have happy endings and they give me hope, plus most are romances and I'm a sucker for a good love story (:

Have a nice day,
& enjoy what you have while it lasts; everything happens for a reason.

xo

Unwanted & Unwantable

Sometimes the smallest things can blow your confidence.

yesterday I had a bad day. I mean, the day was good but at one point everything felt wrong.
I hold a lot in, not because I don't have people that I trust.. But because I don't want everyone thinking I'm pathetic, and I don't want people to worry about me, when everyone has their own problems to deal with.
But yesterday, it felt like I had been hit in the face.
Firstly, I found out how close Christmas was, and remembered that this is the first Christmas without my Grandad and Great Nana..
Secondly, My bestfriend came online and I remembered the friendship we had(keyword: had)
We're not fighting or anything.. but we never talk anymore.. and it just upset me.
and then it went all wrong from there. I felt completely alone, forgotten.. All my problems just started coming forward and I felt like shit.
then my friend, who has a weird sense of humor, made a joke about my weight. No, I'm not fat.. I'm not skinny either though. He made the joke because apparently "you can make fat jokes about skinny people".
But I'm self conscience.. and I was already in a bad state of mind.
& I cracked.. I broke.. I shattered.
I got upset about a joke that was meant to make me laugh.
Should problems be bottled up or shared?

The obvious answer is to "share". Even I know that. But does anyone really care?
Sometimes it feels like they don't.

I wish I could get rid of this feeling I have. That I'm unwanted and unwantable.
I wish I was confident.
I wish I was happy.

But they're only wishes.
I need to start concentrating on reality. I'm far too wrapped up in wishes and daydreams.
I'm off, to face reality.

I love fictional men (:

Hey Bloggers,

I haven't blogged in a while, haven't been in the mood.

To be honest, I'm not really in the mood now..

But hey, isn't that the point of blogging?

Spilling your guts for no apparent reason..

Life's alright for the moment, I don't feel like crying in the fetal position..

Which is a good sign..

I don't think anyone really listens to me,

yeh, I'm greedy and selfish for thinking like that, I'm not the only one with problems.

but is it too much to ask for someone to just.. care?

I listen to my friends problems every day,

I give advice when needed,

sympathize with them,

The strange part is that no one asks me how I am.

Everyone is so wrapped up in there own problems these days.

Does no one else realize that they are not the only ones with problems?

Does no one realize that their are far worse problems than the ones they have?

Don't get me wrong, when someone needs someone to talk to, I'm all ears..

I think it's good that these people are able to have someone they can trust. I think problems need to be out in the open before they can be fixed.

But just because I give advice and listen doesn't mean I have no problems.

I am okay at the moment.

But some days I just want someone to listen to me for once.

Some days I just want to be the one thats heard, not the one that hears. I want advice and sympathy, not to just give it all the time.

Today someone said to me, "your too happy to be emo"

No, I'm not planning on going emo.. but the statement surprised me,

do I really look happy?

When most days I feel like utter shit.
I think people see what they want so see.. I know I probably do.

Also, I think a lot of people need to start watching what they say. A small un-influential comment they make might seem like nothing to them, but they can impact people in large ways.. even if they don't realize.

My friend said something to me the other day.. and I know she didn't mean for the comment to hurt me, I don't think she even realized it had. It shouldn't have upset me the way it did. Why don't people care about the use of words like "love" or "bestfriend" anymore?

The words are overused. I only use them when I really believe them, but others just chuck around the words.

Start to think about the things you say.

I'm listening to this song,

& I just realized its about a guy who cheated on his girlfriend, and she found out and he's trying to bribe her into getting back with him because hes going to "be a star some day"

Is it just me? or is something seriously wrong with that?

I think thats a terrible message to be sending - "So you found out I cheated on you, but hey, it's okay 'cause I'm going to be famous some day".

What's with that? I mean, it's a cool song. But the lyrics would be better if the message wasn't so obnoxious..

This week will be my last week as a year 10. Strange, strange indeed.

I can't believe how fast this year has gone..

& how much has changed along with the days.

But I'm glad the year is over,

No more P.E! No more Science!

More study though :(

I've bought a lot of books in the last months,

The Vampire Academy was definately my best buy this year,

almost as good as the Twilight saga.. ALMOST!

I also bought the following books:

Evernight

Hush, Hush

Fallen

A long with a lot more random books.

I never thought I'd enjoy fantasy books, yet I find myself buying a lot of vampire books..

I haven't read those books yet, as mum has stolen them and said that she'd pay for them, but I had to wait till Christmas.. ah!

P.S. I DIBS; Edward Cullen, Dimitri Belikov & Adrian Ivashkov (:

Hahahahaha, I love fictional men (:

Anyway, thats about it for the moment.

The reason the title is "Hush, hush" is 'cause I thought it kind of went with the blog.. y'know?

like when someone want's you to shut up they say Hushhhh.. or is it just me that does that?

& because I bought the book Hush, hush.. search it.. it has a MAD cover.

Fallen has a better cover though.. the best cover I've ever seen.. it was part of the reason I bought the book..

Hence why I'm now searching pictures of Gothic Angels,

'cause they look really cool - some people are so creative.

Bye,

xo

Curiosity killed the cat.

I saw New Moon yesterday.

Loved it.

These are pictures I found on the internet at school, and I wanted them on my own computer so I'm just putting them on here to get them.. hahaha

Go see New Moon, its excellent.. Not as good as the book, obviously.

But as good as expected (:

I'm in a shit mood today.. don't ask me why.. I just am..

Probably because I didn't get any sleep on Saturday night because I was staying at Amy's house.. She's my bestfriend, with Bryce, she's my other bestfriend.. and last night I stayed up till like 1 reading Blood Promise..
Dimitri still hasn't come back..

Which just plain sucks..

hahaha, anyway.. I would go into more detail about my fun weekend.. but I'm at school and as I said, not in the best mood..

I should have just gone straight to sleep.. but NOOOO, I had to just keep reading.

hahaha, like they say "curiosity killed the cat"
So goodbye, I suppose I'll blog about my problems later on this week..

when I'm not bombarded with homework and stdy for exams.. ah..

xo

Scrapbooking (:

I'm sitting in Scrapbooking with two of my best friends..
Renee Barndon and Marcus Walton.

This is a picture of us ^^

Marcus understands my obsession with Dimitri Belikov
& Renee shares my liking for Michael Jackson

We have spent a whole semester in this class..

& guess how much I've done??

None.

(:

Anyway,

I'm off.. to search "Vampire Academy" and "Michael Jackson" and "Dimitri Belikov" and "Adrian Ivashkov" on google.

Perfection

For the first time in a long time I'm actually reasonably happy. I mean, I'd be happier if Dimitri hadn't of died in "shadow kiss" or if Robert Pattinson didn't think that Edward leaves because

"he's just bored.. thats basically what the storyline is.. it's like, ya know, I'm 108 years old and I've had a bunch of seventeen year olds already" but I guess shit happens.
The reason I'm blogging today is because I think people that read this might think I complain too much, which is true. But isn't that the point of blogging?

This week I spent a lot of time talking about this book. I'm sure all of my friends are sick of hearing about Dimitri. I don't blame them, I'd be annoyed at myself. In fact, I don't get why they don't just ditch me?
I have a lot of down moments. Moments when I just want to sit in a corner and cry, which is why I read a lot. I get to escape reality and enter a life completely different from my own. A chance to forget about my problems.
But when Dimitri died, it was like reality was calling.
Death.
Life.
Unfair.
Why can't things just be perfect? Why can't I just be happy?
I feel greedy complaining about my life, when there are so many others that would give anything and everything to be in my shoes. But can I really just change the way I feel?
I let myself go, only to be reminded of my uncertainties, to be reminded that life isn't perfect, that I'm not perfect.
I remember hearing someone say that "No matter who you are, your always trying to get somewhere else". I think it was from a movie or something, but it made me think. Will I ever be truly happy? Completely content?

Is that even how you use the word content?? I don't actually know. I just think it sounds cool..
Life isn't perfect, yeh yeh.. I know, I know. I've heard it about a million different times, from a million different people. But I'm only really starting to realize the truth in it. Thats the one problem with books. They let you hope..

I live a sad life, not in the sense that I'm ALWAYS sad, but I do talk about books A LOT.
So I apologize to my friends who have had to put up with it...
BTW, only a couple of days till I get "blood promise"
OMGsh, Dimitri *tear*
Here I go again.. as I said, I'm sad.. hahahahaha
& only a couple of days till New Moon! I'm exited.. BUT I HATE Robert Pattinson, GOD! I can't believe he thinks that Edward leaves because he's bored of Bella!
I wanted to stab HIM! how dare he! He doesn't deserve that goddamn role! JEEPERS FRIGGIN' CREEPERS!
& I don't like Kristen Stewart, She takes too long to say things.. she ummms and ahhhhs.. and she is just plain annoying. could they have chosen WORSE actors?? I don't think soo...
Everyone else is good, but the two most important characters have the worse actors I've seen in my life.
SHAME ON THEM!
& on that lovely note, I wish you farewell..
Goodbye (:
xo

Dimitri :'(

I'm utterly heartbroken.

Who would kill off the best character in my favorite series of books?

WHYYYY???

When I first read Dimitri Belikov had turned bad, I immediately started crying.

I loved him more than Edward Cullen.. and thats saying something..

Yeh, I know, I know.
I'm totally exaggerating and shit about this..

But I rely on books to escape reality.

& then they just had to crush me, and my heart AND KILL HIM!

fucking hell. whats wrong with this bloody writer?

One of my friends pre much just told me that he dies..

I'm so angry I want to smash something. I know. I'm dramatic, whatever.
Excuse me while I go and continue to grieve.

Poor Poor Dimitri :'(

I'm emotionally broken.

Sweet Sixteen♥

I'm in a breathtakingly great mood.

It's my birthday,

& my friend put me in the BEST mood.

sixteen at last.

Hamish & Andy are on rove tonight!

I'm INLOVE with the Vampire Academy series

Dimitri is a hot name, well I think so.

bye (:

xo

Stereotyping; How do you type with a stereo?

I’m a person who loves books. I read one every night and I read them constantly over and over. Obsessive? Maybe. But books give a feeling of escaping reality. No matter what’s going on in the real world, a book can almost completely take you away; take you to a different place, or time. The best part is that there are millions of books all around the world, about anything and everything you could possibly imagine. Because I think this way, it makes me a Nerd.

I know I'm stereotyped as a "nerd" because I enjoy reading.. But the funny thing is that I don't care?
In primary school it seemed like such an important thing to be popular.. To hang out with "the crowd" and that shit.. Yet in the last couple of years I've stopped caring.

If someone asked me who the most popular people were, I'd answer, "who gives a shit?"

Because honestly, no one will when they leave school.

& what are the benefits of being "popular" anyway?

No money?

No free health care?

No real respect..

In fact, a lot of them just get by with their looks, DEFINITELY not their brains, for example.. There is this girl in my year who me and my bestfriend constantly laugh at. She might be seen as "popular" or whatever by some.. but to us.. she's just a fucking idiot!

The following Quotes are taken straight from her mouth:

"Wouldn't there be more gravity on the moon?"

"If someone with a disability bites you.. do you catch the disability?"

WHAT THE FUCK??

It shocks me to imagine that someone can really be that stupid.

Those were just two of the idiotic things she's said.. I can't think of the rest..

Anyway.. What I'm trying to say is that no matter who you were in high school... The truth is.. No one will give a shit when you leave..

Except maybe employers..

I'm sure they'd rather hire someone who tried in school.. rather than someone who spent their days trying to be "popular". Thats my definition of sad.

Plus, like they say "Be nice to nerds, you could end up working for one" That quote makes me smile. I believe it's very true..

I've also noticed that those girls seem to argue a lot.

I've never fought with my bestfriend.. yet they spend a whole class (I know this from experience) complaining and bitching about things that I honestly don't give a shit about..

But I just Smile & Nod, and pretend I'm listening.. It'll be their fault when they're working for me, 'cause I'm going to be rich and famous some day, and when they are working for me, I'm not going to take ANY shit from them. I'll just turn around and be like, "suck it up, princess"

I'm not really afraid to say I'm a nerd, it's the truth..

Of course I'm not like a total dork... I don't stay indoors to study, or wear funny clothes (I think)

I'm not one of those socially retarded nerds like on, "beauty and the geek"

But I do like reading.. and writing.

I work hard for what I want.

& try my best at school.

If that makes me a nerd, so be it.

But who really cares?

As I said, I used to want to be popular... Of course.. That had to be the time when I had braces.

& yeh, I copped a few jokes from it.

But who gets the last laugh? MEEEE HA!

Because now those people, have braces themselves.

So obviously when I'm passing them in the hall, I casually snicker and "cough"brace face"cough"

Thats fair right?

What is it they say about Karma?

This blog probably won't mean anything to anyone.

It won't save the world.

In fact, it won't do anything.

But one day when I look back on this blog, when I read all my thoughts and experiences and remember my teenage years, I'm probably going to laugh at how I saw myself, at how everyone saw themselves.

I'm going... To have dinner and relax for the rest of the night, 'cause I can.

Birthday countdown: 4 days. yewwww!

P.s. When I write a book, everyones going to buy it, right?

P.s.s. Karma's a BITCH.

xo

This. Is. It.

Yesterday I saw Michael Jackson's, THIS IS IT.

Sorry Renee! Mum has made plans and I couldn't cancel them or probably wouldn't have been able to go at all!

It was.. amazing, to say the least..

He's a perfectionist.. & thats a good thing, he wanted everything to be perfect for his devoted fans.

One thing that amazed me was how he was on stage dancing with professional, young, talented, dancers who have had lessons and what not...

Yet Michael Jackson was better than them all, my eyes were drew to him, like magnets.

I saw another side to him, aside that was courteous, respectful and loving.

Words aren't big enough to describe his.... awesomeness (:

I just got in contact with my bestfriends girlfriend.

She is surprisingly nice, & extremely pretty. So. Not. Fair.

anyway, I can't be bothered blogging today, so I'm cutting it short.

Sorry.

p.s. The clip below is the trailer to This Is It.

WATCH IT.

RIP Michael Jackson ♥

Life goes on.

Haven't blogged in a while, been kinda busy.

Actually. To be honest, I've just been lazy.

Yesterday I went to a Literature Workshop, and it was far better than all the others I've been to, until then, I had learnt the most from Archie Fussilo.

But yesterday, I met Markus Zusak. He is absolutely AMAZING! As is his writing, and his stories. EVEN his lies are amazing, hahaha.

I learnt a lot from him.. Such as how to make your writing flow better, describing things and telling good lies.

I wish I had of bought one of his books, so he could sign it..

or at least gotten a picture with him!

This week we booked our tickets to go back to Hawaii, awesome much?

I love it there.

I love the freedom

I love the hassle-less lifestyle

I love the beach

& the shops.

I love the Hawaiian accents

& the generosity and compassion of the people

Whats not to love, mann?

I've decided that it doesn't matter if I'm not the best writer.. Because most of the famous authors I have met were failing English when they were my age, & look where they are now?

I'm just going to try my hardest.. and keep trying.

I feel like I'm drifting from all my friends, it's a weird feeling and I want it to stop.

My friends mean a lot to me, but recently it's like I'm loosing everyone.

I've pre much lost contact with my bestfriend,

He doesn't even text me anymore..

On the odd occasion he will.. If I send him a message first.

& I'm always feeling like I'm being replaced.

abandonment issues?

I guess it's because It's because I never had a "group" in primary school.

Of course I had friends.. but I was always switching groups..

& now I worry that I'll just be replaced..

forgotten.

I wish it would stop.

I wish I wasn't so self conscience.

I wish I was more confident.

I wish I was truly happy.. Not worrying.

I sound ungrateful, but I can't shake the feeling of dread, that one day I'm just going to be forgotten.

Life goes on.

I seriously have nothing to say in this blog.

So I'm going to cut it short.

p.s. The guy on the top, left is Markus Zusak, hot right?

Shame he's married, & doesn't have a sandbox (personal joke)

xo

My brain had exceeded it's bandwidth

The first half of this blog is dedicated to Amy Dransfield. She is mentioned 'cause she wrote a whole paragraph about me in her blog and it meant a lot to me. Amy & I became bestfriends in maths. Strange right? When we're in maths, I'm generally happy. She listens to me, and gives me advice. She makes me laugh and believes in me, even when I don't. I never thought we would be as close as we are now. She has all the same tastes and opinions as me, I think.. either that or she's just "smile and nod"ing. hahaha. She gives me clarity (stolen word, sorry Amy (:) and makes me see sense.. I honestly hope that we are friends forever, 'cause she means the world to me. I feel extremely lucky to have a friend like her, a friend that I can trust my life with, a friend that is always honest with me (except about spiking lemonade with vodka), a friend that I know I can trust to tell anything, a friend that knows the real me, yet still hangs out with me. She is my bestfriend.

Now that the soppy bit is done..

I was thinking today about what if it is easier to forgive and forget or seek revenge, after talking to one of my friends about a problem she is facing. I told her that she should just forgive and forget while she was set on trying to get revenge, but did I give her the right advice? I applied the same advice I gave her, to one of my own situations, with that Over-the-top-flirty-bitch that I was complaining about the other night. It didn't work, because I'm not going to forgive and forget and just let her get away with treating me like crap.. So why did I tell my friend to forgive the person that had hurt her..

I guess it's easier to stand from the outside and talk about a situation, rather than experience it.

If I was in my friends shoes, I'd probably be doing what she's doing. I would be angry and I would try to get revenge. Should I have said "yeh, go ahead and get revenge on he/she" ?

Or just what I had actually said, "wouldn't it be easier to forgive and forget?"?

The moral decision would have been what I said, but whats moral, isn't always right for you. You can certainly forgive, or try to. But how do you forget? When someone hurts you enough for you to want to seek revenge, then it's obviously pretty bad. How do you forget something that easily?

It just brings us back to where we started, it's easier to stand from the outside and talk about a situation, rather than experience it. Rather then feel the emotions, the sadness, the anger, the pain and maybe humiliation.

Whenever my friends say somethings wrong, when they say they don't know how to go on, I remind them that

"life was never meant to be easy"

I need to start taking my own advise...

I have to go, the computer has exceeded it's bandwidth and is going exceptionally slow,

Goodbye bloggers,

xo

Made me giggle.

Happiness, loneliness, rejection and fun

Hahahaha, that previously mentioned slutty photo I mentioned is making me laugh, gosh.

Well.. not the picture, the comments..

Theres all these people saying that theres nothing wrong with it and they're just jealous.

ha, I. Think. Not.

I was going to report the picture.

But it's honestly not worth the effort.. The girl in the picture has already labelled herself a slut.

& her "friends" that are saying nothing is wrong with it, don't seem to be very good friends.

If she was my bestfriend, I would MAKE her take off the picture. Because I care about my friends.

Speaking of friends,

I've really learnt who my true friends are this week.

I've learnt that you have to adjust to the changes, in the people and the situations.

& if you can do that, you end up being pretty happy.

This weekend was a lot of fun, firstly.. I relaxed on Saturday, which was great as I was completely run down from school.

On Saturday night I went to my friends house, for a "gathering" which was the word I used to describe the evening to my parents when asking to go.

& on Sunday I went to the beach with my family.

In my books, this is a perfect weekend..

I would describe in more detail, but I honestly can't be bothered.

Today, I found out that the lemonade I was drinking on Saturday, was spiked.. with Vodka.

nice friends, right?

other than that.. the average day...

happiness, loneliness, rejection and fun.

I'm starting to worry about my career choice.. What if I haven't got what it takes?

I read things my friends have wrote.. and mine just don't compare.

Mine aren't as well written, or as.. perfect.

Why can't I just have something? Just one talent..

Life has been a downer.. until I decided what I wanted to do..

but now that I'm going back to worrying..

what have I got left?

Other than My family.. My family is the one thing that seems to keep me going, I feel safe, happy, hopeful when I'm around them.. yet when I'm not, I feel as if I'm going to fall apart..

Everyday I'm being judged, rejected, forgotten, replaced.. and the sad part is that I'm getting used to it.

I'm getting used to my friends just forgetting me when someone new comes along. I'm getting used to being unimportant and unappreciated.

What would happen if I died? Would these people start to realize my importance.. or just say..

"oh well.. I had nothing to do with it"

No, I'm not contemplating suicide.. DON'T WORRY! (:

I'm far too scared of blood and pain and hurting my family and friends.

But I do wonder.

What would a world without me be like?

In the past year I've learnt the importance of appreciating what you have.

looking on the brighter side of life.. and appreciating where I am in my life now.. instead of where I will be.

(still working on the last part)

I just wish that more people could understand that.. before It's too late.

I wish I had of understood before my Grandad, Nana and Uncle's died.

Because I would give almost anything, to just be able to tell them I love them.

& show them how much they'll be missed.

So to all my friends reading this blog; I love you.

& any randoms reading this; I'm sure someone loves you too.

xo

Like I never Existed.

There is this this girl in my year that I really don't like.

Normally I just dislike a few people.

but I strongly STRONGLY dislike her (Hates too strong a word to use on anyone)

The feeling is neutral though.

She gives me like a death stare every time I see her..

& today she deliberately didn't sit with her friend (who also doesn't like her, but pretends to.. God only knows why?) because I was sitting behind her.

what a fool.

She is also a huge TEASE.. She flirts with every guy she sees.. & wayyyyy over the top.

Nobody likes her.. Even her bestfriend bitches about her to me..

But why stay hanging out with her?

I hope somebody tells me if I ever get that... annoying, not that that word covers it..

I seem to bitch about a lot of people on this blog.. but ya know what?

This is how I vent.

A public diary, for the world to see.

Because the world needs to feel my pain, hahaha.

Not that I've had any huge dramas recently..

Except in English..

My teacher got so mad at the class that she just didn't teach us.

& it pissed me off because it doesn't matter to anyone else in my class as much as me..

My exam score determines whether I can do literature next year..

So I was contemplating whether I should go see the deputy principal and ask them to do something about it..

drama queen much?

The thing is, the next couple of years determines my whole future.

So yeh, I'll do what I need to, to get where I want to be.

Luckily, my teacher arranged a new seating plan.. hopefully this will work.

It's finally Friday,

& I'm oddly tired.. School has just drained me this week..

Too much to think about!

Tomorrow should be good.

Going to my friends house tomorrow night. For his birthday.

Talking my parents into letting me go was definitely a challenge.

We compromised,

Until today.. When mum said that I can't go unless she comes in and checks whats going on.

I was like, "your kidding me, right?"

& of course. She said she was serious and if I didn't like it then I couldn't go.

Who the hell goes to a party? and brings their mother?

Oh god.

WHO DOES THAT?!

Well. That will be embarrassing.

Ha, I also found out today that we have to do this cancer council survey thing.. and they are going to weigh us.. and... MEASURE OUR WAIST'S!!!

We were in R.E(Religious Education) and the class was silent.

until I randomly said "Oh god" Then I rephrased, remembering I was in R.E and said "I mean, Oh gosh"

What the hell? or heaven maybe..

What type of teenage girl wants to be measured around the waist?.. unless your super skinny that is..

Also, today we were in scrapbooking.. and one of the boys in my class and I were looking at pictures.. Until we came across this rather pornographic picture of the guys from "all time low" (I'll put the picture at the top of this post)

So.. My other friend and I, decided to put it as his wallpaper.. (he's gay.. I think..)

He was laughing.. and we were laughing.. and it was all fun and games..

Until.

The teacher came around. You should have seen the shock on her face..

She asked him why he was looking at half naked men, and he replied by saying I WAS!

So, I denied it. It was instinct..

Then he continued to say..

"Of course this isn't mine! I like watermelons! I'm a MAN!!! I don't like Bananas.. I'm a man.. and MEN LIKE WATERMELONS!"

Holy shiz.. Me and my friend could hardly breath we were laughing so much. He also said that with hand actions..

It's funny(not really funny but whatev) how things can change so fast.

How one minute you can be so close with someone, then the next it's like you were never friends..

Then they replace you. Forget you. Move on.

Well, I've had 2 people do that to me in the last couple of weeks.

& now they'r like bestfriends.

Doing all the things I used to do with them.

It makes you feel as if your not good enough for them..

How can it be that easy to be forgotten?

"people change, things go wrong"

Enough about my day anyway..

I would REALLY like to know how people do those picture.. Ya know how there are those pictures with like some bits are hell colorful, while others are black and white.. It looks so good.. If you do it the right way.

Anyway, I'm off..

xo